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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Testimony Time

I love blogging! Really, truly! I love that it reveals so much about you, yet so little. You see, I feel as though you all can tell when I have blogged under duress. Duress being those moments when you have nothing to say but still feel a bit obligated to blog.....I let myself down when this happens so I try for it not to happen.

I hope the above gibberish explains my bursts of absences here and there. It doesn't? Be nice to me!

To the crux of the matter. Brethren, the Lord is good!!!!

You see, Ma Petrillo is somewhat a perfectionist. She also has a keen sense of smell, sight and hearing…..let’s just say a keen sense of everything, ok?  This combination essentially means that no rodent can be gallivanting the house up and down. I remember some years ago, we were all dressed and ready to go to school. Ma Petrillo caught sight of a RAT…one small miserly-looking rat in the family living room. That was all it took. Nobody could leave the house until the rat was killed!  She upturned chairs, cabinet…. all the furniture just to get this rat. Sometimes, “smelling” them is all it takes to turn her into Sherlock Holmes. She absolutely loathes them.

When I was leaving Nigeria, one of the things I thought I was leaving in Nigeria was rats. Boy was I wrong! Whoever has been to the NYC Subways can attest to this; that the human population in NYC is probably half of its rat population. Lordy! Those rats run the place. HEY! as a consolation, there are also no lizards! I guess the weather is not conducive enough for them and their sun-bathing/basking. This reminds me of the lizard I had to kill the other day.
  Don't look at me like that.
 It was a defiant lizard, totally fearless, it had to go! Because like Sisi Yemmie says, na from clap e dey enter dance. I had to act then.

Anyway, next to my house is a compound of 4 flats. One of the inhabitants had a wedding ceremony some weekends ago and hasn’t cleaned up the compound and its environs properly from some of the mess they made. It has drawn a lot of unwanted attention. For some days now after the event, I would open our kitchen door in the morning, say 6.00am, in order to go and clean Ma Petrillo’s car (yup, extra yards on my wife material) and would see this hamster of a rat dashing away from the kitchen balcony. HA!!! Not once, not twice! Sometimes, we would even see it strolling into the compound at night from outside. Mum was very bothered. We even christened the rat as “the tenant” since it felt like it truly belonged there, otherwise, why would it stroll into the compound at night, and stroll out in the AM like I do?!

I know by now, you are expecting to read next about a snake...since I seem to be living in a zoo. The snake-days are gone. The present threats are scorpions.

Ok, I was telling a story, right?

Mum got some pellet-like things and set it up for the Tenant outside. The tenant ate it all up…to the very last pellet.

Character Flaw: Greed!

The following morning, I still saw the Tenant dashing away from the compound like it was late for work. That was 2 mornings ago.

There is this guava tree in the compound. Somehow, I am the only one who manages to find and pluck really big Guavas on it (no pun please). So to defend my title as “The Guava King” (yes, King!), I marched to the guava tree right after I returned from work today.

The smell that assaulted me was not from this world!!!! Lying in the side gutter was a decomposing “the Tenant”.

Another Character Flaw: More greed! Of all the places it could die in, it had to be in our compound? I bet the bugger was planning to move his family in. Anuofia!

Brethren, I could not contain my joy! You guys have no idea how it feels, to be threatened day-in, day-out by a hamstser-looking- rat, a rat in YOUR own house! A rat that isn’t even paying rent! Ha!
But it is over now! The Tenant can bother us no more (unless its relatives want to take up from where it left off *shudders*). 

I don’t know if there is a lesson to be learnt here or if there’s supposed to be any spiritual connotation of victory or the likes. If you find, claim it!

However, I will have to ask Ma Petrillo for the name of the pellets she fed the tenant. I have to know so that I can give the company my personal thanks. They seem to have saved us from being held hostage by a family of hamsters rats.

So, what I am saying now is that I am now an EXTERMINATOR, hire me. I can get rid of cockroaches, rats, spiders, snakes, spiders but I draw the line at lions (say your prayers if that is what is plaguing you).


  1. Hahaha! That rat was bold o, lol...strolling out in the AM!

  2. Hahaha spiritual connotation of victory. ..you're not just serious!

  3. ahahahahahaahahhahhaha.....did I not complain about rats in my older post when in 9ja? I tell you, this gigantic rats abi hamsters are captured as bush meat by some people in the market! Their tails are long and thick and have this odour ehn! The ones I see here are mice..tin squeaking things....but the fact is that rat and cockroaches dey everywhere for this world!...ahahaha.

    1. Simply mee... I was searching for your blog but it's not up anymore or did it say it's private now I think?! *sigh
      Miss your gists!

  4. I saw a mouse in a hotel in vancouver, first time since I left naija, LOL...your descriptions are so funny.

  5. Honeydame the exterminator!!! Good to have you back.

  6. You and Ma Petrillo are braver women than I. Let me see a mouse or rat in my house. I'm just gonna grab what I can and burn that house to the ground lol.

    1. And here i was thinking you were 'gangster'.Oh well! *Kanye shrug*

  7. At the start, I thought Ma Petrillo was a cat. At the middle, I thought husband. I only figured Ma Petrillo was your mum towards the end. My bad :)

    Darn rodents! Hate 'em! Off with their heads!

  8. I hate rats too and i can go an extra mile to murder,yes murder,any one i see in my house.

  9. Good to see you back even if its to boast about rat exterminating powers lol. Man, those lagos rats are something else. Give them an inch and they colonise your home.

  10. ℓ☺ℓ
    ...And that was the end of "the (non-rent-paying)tenant"!

  11. Action lady. LOL you finished the rat.

  12. Lol! Real exterminator. I really can't stand rodents...ewww!!!

  13. Trust me. I feel you 100%. There's a commercial food maker beside our house, and we suffer regularly for it. After rats have fed fat in her house, I mean like giant fat, they decide to move to ours to spend their retirement years. We gain the victory over them sometimes, but more keep coming. It is so so annoying.

  14. I love the part about it rushing out like it was late for work! Hilarious post! And I sooooo feel you about the cat looking rats in the NYC. Subways. Na wa !

  15. And she's finally back! Lmaoooo@Tenant. When you were describing tenant, my brain went to the rat in that video of "broda kola" hehehehe
    What will i do with you this girl. Exterminator sha. You don't even know the name of what Ma Petrillo used.

    P.S: What's with this "Ma Petrillo" name anyways. I'm sure there's a story there

  16. Heyyyyy....stop it! I don't like the comparison between hamsters and rats. Hamsters are way cuter, although they have razor sharp teeth which they won't hesitate to bite you with. I worked with siberian hamsters for 3 yrs in undergrad. I hate rats more than any other animal on the planet, they are disgusting. Our solution to rats in Nigeria was to get cats and they disappeared forever, including all the lizards in the compound.

  17. Walahi I have missed you!!!! We have a rat infestation problem in my house as well. The more we fumigate, the more it feels like the poisonous chemicals are perfume for these rats. Their coats keep getting glossier. To counter them, we put gum pads on the floor, you know these bloody rats try to circumvent the traps by climbing up and walking on the borders of the wall? I think they went to Rat Harvard or something. Mscheeewwww. Disgo creatures. I have a female cousin that takes great delight...and I mean GREAT... in killing and later taking photos of dead rats. I think she needs therapy and Jesus. Good to have you back, Dame.

  18. i love your writing, like sriously


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