My Mother ,Randomness and I

I am sure this is an African Mother-plague. My mother comes up with the most random comments/ speeches, at the most random times. Do not get me wrong, I daren’t imply that she is not in tune with what she is saying. I just find her way of thinking extremely fascinating.  Picture a mother daughter shopping/bonding session. I, against my better judgment, decided to accompany my mother on a shopping mission this one time in lower Manhattan, NY. On getting to this warehouse-looking store, we were looking around and picking up items. In my mind, I was gleefully plotting how to pick up my school supplies and wittingly making my mum pay for it. I had just picked up a pack of Always when my eyes strayed to the box of tampons. Bush girl that I am, I had never used a tampon before and boy, do I hate all the mess that comes with the sanitary towels. Let me not gross you any further. I decide d(again against my better judgment) to engage my mother in a discussion of how this tampoon works. The conversation went thus:

Me: Ma, how does this tampon thing sef work? I have never used one before and I am curious about it

Mum: Well, It works pretty well. You have to be very careful though ‘cos sometimes, it messes up with things..

Me:…***confused look***

Mum:  ….and it….wait a minute…are you a virgin?

(oh did I mention that the store had like five attendants, one of whom was some Arabian/Italian/Lebanese/greek –looking specimen of a man, who had been tailing me all over the aisles and making suggestions on what to pick…and of course, my mum was not discussing about NASA, so my store-crush who was within earshot, was privy to this question.+ we were the only shoppers at this time)

Me:…***you’ve gotta be friggin’ kidding me, did she just ask me that?!!?!!!***…MOOOOOOOOM!!!! What was that?...where is that coming from?...

(***because I asked for information about tampons? **Somebody hit me on my lungs!!!**… I should have just gagged myself and stuck to my original plans of plotting on how to squeeze out a few dollars from her!)

Mum:….shame on u!

Me:…**blank stare**…

Like, I did not even supply her with an answer yet and she was there just bestowing non-colorful words on me. In that case, I kukuma exercised my right and pled the fifth, i.e., my right to remain silent.

A couple of days ago, my sister, my brother, ma and I were having a wonderful Skype moment. Guess who got jokes? Heck yeah, you bet right. We were discussing babies and some other non-related subject when Ma said, “Eyin omo yi, e o gbodo ya tattoo si ara o?” (You kids, you must not get tattoos on your bodies). Trust my sister and I, in unison, we went “Kilode?” (Why?). To which she replied, “Mi o like e” (I don’t like it). Meanwhile, my brother is laughing his ass off at the abruptness of her remark. Only my mother would make such a remark at such a time, in the middle of such discussion we were having, haba! Me, being the self-acclaimed goat in the house, took it upon myself to irk her, so I said, “Well, emi fe tattoo o, oju ara ni mo de ti fee” ( well, I want a tattoo, and I want it on my privates). As if in sync with the network, I lost my wireless connection, though not before I heard her mumbling and grumbling and what-not, and my other siblings having a laugh at her/our expense. While talking to my sister later that day, she told me of how my mum said I need psychological help………

Please, if you know my Ma, help me tell her to stop her fasting for divine intervention on this tattoo matter, me I was just joking o! Plus, as superwomany as I am, intentionally tabling myself for prodding and poking of that type has no appeal to me…………………………………….yet.

BTW, does anyone know how to get MS word to type in Yoruba?