My Beefs and Turkeys with Beijing

I am so happy, today (yesterday, depending on when you are reading this and where you are reading from) basically, Wednesday, was my last day at work. Let’s just say I am deliriously happy. Anyway, I have some serious beefs with Beijing and I will try to capture as many as I can subsequently:

Ehnehn Disclaimer: Some of these are light-hearted so you might want to have a re-think before you go all Bash Alli on me for why I say this or that. Let’s progress, shall we?

Yi)    Why is it that most of the time, the buses and subways are sooo damn full?! Where are you people going to? Where are you coming from? It doesn’t help that your way of saying excuse me is to shove. I find it tres annoying!

Er)    Still on the matter, if chivalry wasn’t dead before, now I know that it is as dead as turkey on thanksgiving.  If you are a babe and made of formica, don’t even bother putting Beijing on your tour list except you are going to have your personal everything. If you think your forming chic on the bus will make that cute Chinese boy let you have that seat, you can’t be more deluded! Read after my fingers, Chivalry is DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!!

On the flip side, this leads me to my first turkey with Beijing. One day I was on my home from work and on the bus. I had my heavy laptop in bag slung on one of my shoulders. I was so tired and it was a projected 1hr ride home in the very least.  Of course, there was no available seat on the bus, I mean, what do you expect, it was rush hour. This young lady somewhere around me randomly got up from her seat after a few minutes and used her posture to stop anyone from accessing the seat. She then signaled to me to come and sit. I thought her stop was next was the reason why she gave up her seat for me. So you can imagine my surprise when she didn’t alight at the next stop nor the one after nor the one after the one after (lol). Matter of fact, she didn’t alight until about 7 stops after. She was simply just nice enough to give up her seat for me. Ladies (10) – Men (-100)

San)    Smoking is synonymous with breathing here. I HATE being a second hand smoker. The part that irks me the most is when it is done in the clubs. Picture small space, plenty booze, sweaty people and lots of cigarettes being lit = Not a pretty picture, I tell you. The fact that I can’t just go straight to bed after clubbing, put my clubbing clothes with my other dirty clothes or do not have to wash my hair after clubbing puts me off clubbing all together. Why this particularly annoys me is that personally, I am not a club person, but it is by choice not by duress. Beijing has almost made it by duress for me….#notcool#

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Si)    Are you prepared for this?! Phlegm/Spit: Oh lawd! You may have to suspend your 50sec rule (for when you drop food on the floor) while in Beijing. In fact, not only for food, but for anything you drop. There is just that very high propensity that while you are retrieving your fallen item, you will scoop up some fat phlegm with it too…:D 

Grossed out much? Me too!

They spit everywhere and anywhere. I have seen a person spit on the floor of a carpeted (rugged) restaurant…..I said RESTAURANT!

Wu)    Ok, so for this one I am just really salty as in….highly burnt. I did say that today was my last day of work, yeah? Not even a branded pen did I get from my host company on my departure. Like really? Where is that done?....tssshrreeeeewwww! Hey, you better shush your lips, I was quite a good employee while it lasted.

Liu)    The stares: Seriously Beijingers, it is played out already. Shouldn’t the novelty have worn off by now? I am 3 months old here already, you shouldn’t still be looking at me like a “new edition” when you see me. Even though I have gone from “Starafically Acclimatising"  to “Starafically Acclimatized”(I give just as bad/good as I get), it does get tiring. Abeg, park well!

Qi)    Very closely related is the seeming lack of tact. (Bear in mind that I am still salted due to number Wu) I walked into the office today and my boss felt the need to announce that I looked very pretty. To her, perhaps my dressing up today had to do with it. Excuse me Ma’am! I was wearing a shirt, jeans , boots that look like the ones hunters wear, my naptural hair with a scarf as a headband and my masquerade make-up. There was NOTHING distinct about what I was wearing. But somehow, she felt the need to announce to the whole office of about 20 people, making it seem like I tried to look nice…ttsshrreeeewww and even after the whole dolling up, not even a broken company pen was used to send me forth..did I mention that already?! Lol

Add to this scenario the case of the nonsense someborri who spilled my food after work. I was chatting in the hallway with two of my co-workers when this man passed by me and bumped into my bag. The bag in turn juggled the plastic bag of food I was holding on the same side causing the contents to spill into the bag. I was so mad ‘cos I wasn’t even in his way and I was pretty sure that he just wasn’t watching his movement.  He rattled off something in Chinese which I had zero knowledge of, of course. It was later that my friends told me that what he said translated as “I already said sorry, what else do you want me to do?” (with an arrogant tone of course).

How about a new bowl of fungus, you idiot! You guys seriously don’t believe I was gonna eat fungus or did you?

 I should have been told earlier than then so that I could kick him and make my foot stick out his mouth…rude thing osi! Or better still I could have plucked out his eyes with my newly developed chopstick skills. By the way, make that another turkey for Beijing. My chopstick skills went from -5 to like 7. I mean, I can eat rice now without spilling a grain...yay me!

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Ba)    Another major turkey is Dairy Queen. Let’s just say Dairy Queen and I have fallen in love. It is amazing how many times I had seen or heard about her in my base without paying her any attention.
Oh those Blizzards!!!
Now, we are in a relationship and it will transcend oceans. Dairy Queen, what we had was not just a Fall Fling, see you on the other side :*

Well well…this is it for now. I will be going on a 2-week excursion towards the South of China so I may not have as much cyber/gbeborun presence as I usually have on your blogs. Now excuse me while I go and sulk in a corner till someone gives me a gift.

Lerra pipuls (LOL @ Adede)