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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My Beefs and Turkeys with Beijing

I am so happy, today (yesterday, depending on when you are reading this and where you are reading from) basically, Wednesday, was my last day at work. Let’s just say I am deliriously happy. Anyway, I have some serious beefs with Beijing and I will try to capture as many as I can subsequently:

Ehnehn Disclaimer: Some of these are light-hearted so you might want to have a re-think before you go all Bash Alli on me for why I say this or that. Let’s progress, shall we?

Yi)    Why is it that most of the time, the buses and subways are sooo damn full?! Where are you people going to? Where are you coming from? It doesn’t help that your way of saying excuse me is to shove. I find it tres annoying!

Er)    Still on the matter, if chivalry wasn’t dead before, now I know that it is as dead as turkey on thanksgiving.  If you are a babe and made of formica, don’t even bother putting Beijing on your tour list except you are going to have your personal everything. If you think your forming chic on the bus will make that cute Chinese boy let you have that seat, you can’t be more deluded! Read after my fingers, Chivalry is DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!!

On the flip side, this leads me to my first turkey with Beijing. One day I was on my home from work and on the bus. I had my heavy laptop in bag slung on one of my shoulders. I was so tired and it was a projected 1hr ride home in the very least.  Of course, there was no available seat on the bus, I mean, what do you expect, it was rush hour. This young lady somewhere around me randomly got up from her seat after a few minutes and used her posture to stop anyone from accessing the seat. She then signaled to me to come and sit. I thought her stop was next was the reason why she gave up her seat for me. So you can imagine my surprise when she didn’t alight at the next stop nor the one after nor the one after the one after (lol). Matter of fact, she didn’t alight until about 7 stops after. She was simply just nice enough to give up her seat for me. Ladies (10) – Men (-100)

San)    Smoking is synonymous with breathing here. I HATE being a second hand smoker. The part that irks me the most is when it is done in the clubs. Picture small space, plenty booze, sweaty people and lots of cigarettes being lit = Not a pretty picture, I tell you. The fact that I can’t just go straight to bed after clubbing, put my clubbing clothes with my other dirty clothes or do not have to wash my hair after clubbing puts me off clubbing all together. Why this particularly annoys me is that personally, I am not a club person, but it is by choice not by duress. Beijing has almost made it by duress for me….#notcool#

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Si)    Are you prepared for this?! Phlegm/Spit: Oh lawd! You may have to suspend your 50sec rule (for when you drop food on the floor) while in Beijing. In fact, not only for food, but for anything you drop. There is just that very high propensity that while you are retrieving your fallen item, you will scoop up some fat phlegm with it too…:D 

Grossed out much? Me too!

They spit everywhere and anywhere. I have seen a person spit on the floor of a carpeted (rugged) restaurant…..I said RESTAURANT!

Wu)    Ok, so for this one I am just really salty as in….highly burnt. I did say that today was my last day of work, yeah? Not even a branded pen did I get from my host company on my departure. Like really? Where is that done?....tssshrreeeeewwww! Hey, you better shush your lips, I was quite a good employee while it lasted.

Liu)    The stares: Seriously Beijingers, it is played out already. Shouldn’t the novelty have worn off by now? I am 3 months old here already, you shouldn’t still be looking at me like a “new edition” when you see me. Even though I have gone from “Starafically Acclimatising"  to “Starafically Acclimatized”(I give just as bad/good as I get), it does get tiring. Abeg, park well!

Qi)    Very closely related is the seeming lack of tact. (Bear in mind that I am still salted due to number Wu) I walked into the office today and my boss felt the need to announce that I looked very pretty. To her, perhaps my dressing up today had to do with it. Excuse me Ma’am! I was wearing a shirt, jeans , boots that look like the ones hunters wear, my naptural hair with a scarf as a headband and my masquerade make-up. There was NOTHING distinct about what I was wearing. But somehow, she felt the need to announce to the whole office of about 20 people, making it seem like I tried to look nice…ttsshrreeeewww and even after the whole dolling up, not even a broken company pen was used to send me forth..did I mention that already?! Lol

Add to this scenario the case of the nonsense someborri who spilled my food after work. I was chatting in the hallway with two of my co-workers when this man passed by me and bumped into my bag. The bag in turn juggled the plastic bag of food I was holding on the same side causing the contents to spill into the bag. I was so mad ‘cos I wasn’t even in his way and I was pretty sure that he just wasn’t watching his movement.  He rattled off something in Chinese which I had zero knowledge of, of course. It was later that my friends told me that what he said translated as “I already said sorry, what else do you want me to do?” (with an arrogant tone of course).
How about a new bowl of fungus, you idiot! You guys seriously don’t believe I was gonna eat fungus or did you?

 I should have been told earlier than then so that I could kick him and make my foot stick out his mouth…rude thing osi! Or better still I could have plucked out his eyes with my newly developed chopstick skills. By the way, make that another turkey for Beijing. My chopstick skills went from -5 to like 7. I mean, I can eat rice now without spilling a grain...yay me!

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Ba)    Another major turkey is Dairy Queen. Let’s just say Dairy Queen and I have fallen in love. It is amazing how many times I had seen or heard about her in my base without paying her any attention.
Oh those Blizzards!!!
Now, we are in a relationship and it will transcend oceans. Dairy Queen, what we had was not just a Fall Fling, see you on the other side :*

Well well…this is it for now. I will be going on a 2-week excursion towards the South of China so I may not have as much cyber/gbeborun presence as I usually have on your blogs. Now excuse me while I go and sulk in a corner till someone gives me a gift.

Lerra pipuls (LOL @ Adede)

51 comments:

  1. WOW... YOU SURE ARE GOING THROUGH SOME THINGS HERE.... I DONT KNOW WHETHER TO SAY OOOOOH, WOW, AHHHH, OR EWWWWW.

    JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AND STAY SWEET!

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  2. This is my first time here (I think) and I'm confused, why would anyone go to China, as in, don't they have enough people leaving there already. Products manufactured in that country are fake (even their sperm) that is why they have stunted growth and tiny feet. Maybe that is my misconception BUT babe, you dey try.
    How were you able to differentiate your Boss from co-workers? And I think you Boss said you looked nice to express she was also sharing in the excitement of you leaving.

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  3. This is my first time here (I think) and I'm confused, why would anyone go to China, as in, don't they have enough people leaving there already. Products manufactured in that country are fake (even their sperm) that is why they have stunted growth and tiny feet. Maybe that is my misconception BUT babe, you dey try.
    How were you able to differentiate your Boss from co-workers? And I think you Boss said you looked nice to express she was also sharing in the excitement of you leaving.

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  4. my dear, thank God say you don finish oo! they for don kill you for me with too much work load. But in all, i think being there, working and meeting new poeple from differnt background alone is a great experince.

    if i may borrow your lines, "we go dey meet for area" lol

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  5. Omg poor thing, I *died at the spitting part, i particularly hate that habit..all is well that ends well..

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  6. Wait ooo, spit unto a rugged floor!!??? Was they guy jailed? Anyway, since you say they smoke a lot, then it isnt a surprise that they will spit a lot. As for that guy that bumped into you, so fear gree am bump into you with that bakassi??? You for just nudge am back with ur ikebe make im reach ground (considering the height of the chinese, he isnt that far away from the ground anyway. lol)

    Congrats dearie on your completion of ur stay in beijing. If nobody give u gift, go out, buy a gift, wrap it beautifully and fed-ex it to yourself!!! (what a girl did in my former office for people to believe a guy sent it to her. we found her out!) Afterall gift na gift. Shikena. lol

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  7. LMAO @ "not even a broken company pen was used to send me forth". No mind them jor, they no fit appreciate good thing when they see am. Thank God you are through with the job sef. Na wa for all the experience you had there. It's all good sha. EWWWWWWWWWWWW @ the spitting thingy. That's utterly disgusting. (Now i can't finish my food :-( ). Enjoy your excursion dear.

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  8. ewwww at spiting....yukkkkkkkkkkkkkk
    quiet an experience

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  9. I've heard about the spitting habit.urghh much!

    And you dare to complain about overcrowdedness in the most populous continent in the world? seriously?? A comedian said that's why they are always procreating..you go into a house and they space is so small, you are already inside another person lol.

    Sorry about the lack of a farewell gift. They no try shaa. or maybe its in the post :)

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  10. lol....honeydame, sounds like major adventure for the 3 months. though the whole spitting thing would get on my nerves so much that i might just spit on someone just to be spiteful. Anyways, so does this mean you are heading back to the United states of A, or you still got more months in China?

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  11. Ayanma abt that spit! Imagine if your toothbrush fell?!
    I was in Texas 2 summers ago and discovered Dairy Queen, was crying when I left!
    And last but not Mr. Fungus! How rude!! That imbecile, buffoon, she-goat, olori buruku!!! Mschew. He's lucky curses can't fly over water!

    lol @ Lerra pipus (new signature lol)

    Ooooo I forgetted about their lack of decorum! Not even rubber band??? No comments, no comments (the "forgetted" was on purpose lol)

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  12. 50sec rule?!? 2 sec rule! But eeeewwww, who spits indoors? And in a restaurant no less. Nasty!

    I'm not a fan of DQ...but maybe its diff in Beijing (not that i ever really plan on finding out lol)

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  13. Hilarious.

    Tres gross @ spitting.

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  14. hahahaha I am feeling burnt for you sef that they did not even give you a goodbye pen!!! HOW RUDE! Have a fun vacay!

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  15. spit and smoke= VERY GROSSSSS!!!
    i cant stand cigarette smoke...........CANT.
    im sure there was the fun part too but these stories are making me cross out china from my list of "countries to visit" lol.
    they didnt give you anything? thats just mean. pele..............maybe they are planning a surprise

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  16. Spitting on the bare rug kwanu? tufiakwa.... I knew something wasn't right with those people. Only a cretin will spit on a rug in a restaurant. As for the pen, dont worry. They'd probably have given you a fake pen sef.

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  17. LOL
    oh no I don't even want to imagine the spitting part.

    Enjoy your hols dear

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  18. Sounds like 3 months in hell.lol

    You are really a strong sister, I can imagine the stares, that one will freak me out, I can't stand it at all.

    Second hand smoking sucks in clubs, especially if you look great , you end up with smelly smoky hair.

    The good side of it all is that this is an adventure of a life time, trust me this would make for fun stories to your kids and people someday. Don't lose hope, you are doing great!

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  19. All I can say is what an experience!
    Wow, so cool

    Eww @ the spitting though!

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  20. And you wanted me to move to Beijing huh?! Thank God i refused.I probably would've been deported for hitting a million people who shoved me.I hate the sight of spittle,it's yucky! Meanwhile,now that you're done with Beijing,i might consider moving.*wink*

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  21. And you wanted me to move to Beijing huh?! Thank God i refused.I probably would've been deported for hitting a million people who shoved me.I hate the sight of spittle,it's yucky! Meanwhile,now that you're done with Beijing,i might consider moving.*wink*

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  22. lmao@Amaka, Ginger and 9ja great.
    *Now crossing china off my bucket list*
    Oya send me ur adress leme send u a good not-broken pen as parting gift lol. But those people sef, haba. Still lmao@ur description of yourself on your last day. ur ex-boss en. probably trying to make u feel good about yourself (@least enuf to forget about the send forth)

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  23. spitting??? dats so gross
    i wish i was there to elbow that guy that spilled ur well packaged meal and still had the guts to yarn ishhh
    this stories are not supposed to be funny at all but u sure made them sound funny, lol

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  24. ok first things first i don't understand why u are complaining about crowded buses or whatever don't u live or haven't you ever lived in lagos? you should have taken that experience with you.

    lol at number qi what ever that means,*giving the hand* i wasn't counting so don't judge.

    besides chinese people are very stingy and dirty people so you shouldn't expect any kind of descency from them.and your expecting a go away present abeg where u think say you dey sha omo wake up and smell the 'curry' mehn your in f-ing beijing o no dey dream.

    but all the same sorry you hear,at least you fit boast for us say u don travel reach china before.hehehehehehe lmao.

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  25. madam...kai quite an experience indeed!!!

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  26. quite a mixture of experience you've got there...lol...I tot Indians were the 'baba' when it comes to spitting...ewwww

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  27. Wow, you are in Beijing...that is so cool! I always wished I could have done a study abroad or an internship somewhere exotic. Seems like the club scene is just like Naija where everyone smokes. Nyeh! Sorry that you didn't get even one pen...hahahaha. Such is life.

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  28. I thought it was a 6sec rule? Thanks for the heads up! I love how you shared your experience. Feels like I have been to Beijing now.

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  29. So cool that your in Beijing!! x

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  30. Eeeew about the phlegm!! We have a 5-second rule here in our home but I'll be sure to do away with that rule should we ever visit Beijing!

    And how sweet that that lady gave up her seat for you! Nice to know there are still awesome people in this world!

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  31. Ugh! I hate seeing phlegm or spit anywhere! And in a carpeted restaurant! Double ugh!

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  32. LOL, you must have had fun jare, stop making us simultaneously die with laughter while feeling sowwie for your 'experience'. LOOOL

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  33. Tooo funny lol. The way you narrated your experiences make it sound soooo funny! Enjoy ur 2 weeks breaks, you coming back to us after that?

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  34. Lol
    How about a new bowl of fungus????!!! Jokes for days!

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  35. Wow!! You've got some experiences there. Thumbs up

    Adiya
    Muse Origins
    Muse Origins FB

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  36. This was hilarious!!! LMAO.. Beijing must be awesome though

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  37. Helloooooooooooo. Miss ya. Hope you are aiight. Come back soon kk. *huggsssss*

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  38. Hey! Just letting you know I've featured you on my blog recommendation page here http://yolandaas.blogspot.com/p/great-blogs.html

    Take Care x

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  39. Knock knock oto ojo meta...hope you are good and enjoying the holiday :)

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  40. LOL i love you!!
    damn i dnt think i'll be going to Beijing anytime soon. Eeeew at the thought of picking up someone's phlegm :/
    when are u coming back to "amelika"?

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  41. Where you babes? Hope you're good? Just wanted to wish you the best of the season. Happy New year!

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  42. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  43. OMG- Myself and Myne are thinking the same. Where are you Honeydame?
    Just checking up on you- do have a wonderful new year. merry christmas in arrears.

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  44. Happy new year in advance.hope you are good? take care.

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  45. Man, I've heard about the spit thing and the minuet I did, China was off my list. I'm a traveller but dang! I'm also a huge germaphobe. I cannot deal.

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HoneyDames n Dudes