PSA: The Story of Yoboro

I know....I seemed to be doing better and POOF, off the radar I went again. I have no excuse really. Forgive me and receive me with open arms....ok, maybe one open arm, yet again.

Let me quickly tell you about Yoboro though.

Everyone was out of the house, save for Ma Petrillo and I. As a background, we moved into our current location about 10 years ago, when the area was still more "foresty" than habitable for humans. But over the years, expansion and gentrification have smiled upon our area and the "foresty" days are like folktales. In all those years, we had contended with snakes, scorpions, alligator/some other big lizard, amongst other animals whose habitats we had invaded, but never had we had to contend another human being.

On this unforgettable Sunday morning, I had forced myself to fall asleep around 1am in order to be able to make it in time for a 7am Church service without looking like something the cat dragged in. I woke up around 5:30am to pee and that was when I noticed that a (sliding) window in my room had been open about 5 inches. I rolled this around my mind for a while and when I couldnt rationalize it, I filed it under "perhaps I did this unconsciously". The plan was to head back to bed for another 30 minutes before giving up on the sleep completely. I had barely been back to bed for 5 minutes when I heard Ma Petrillo shouting my name. For a while, she had been sleeping in the living room. According to her, the living room is better aerated.

I was grumbling at the fact that she was waking me up by shouting several feet away from me until she uttered the words which heralded the fear I lived in for weeks after this Sunday; "We have been robbed".
F-I-A-M......sleep cleared from my eyes as I ran to where she was.

Our house had been broken into and raided while WE SLEPT THROUGH THE ORDEAL!!!!
LOL...I laugh about this now, but really...it wasnt even remotely funny. Thankfully, we were both fine. I'd like to regale you with the theatrics involved but the short of the story is that our fence was scaled, sliding nets were torn from outside, burgalry proof was pounded out from outside, and access was gained into the house by so doing.

Bottom line is this, since we are living in Nigeria, we cant be cautious enough! Lock your sliding windows for the night, unplug and stow away handy electronic appliances for the night (tablets, laptops, phones) and most importantly, cover the 4 or 8 or 10 or corners of your house with the BLOOD of JESUS. Because day by day, these people get more and more sophisticated and let's not even discount the use of jazz or chemicals!  I mean, how possible is it that 2 grown adults slept through the pounding out of a burglary proof?!!

Obviously, a lot of things could have gone wrong but thankfully, other than a few items stolen and some psychological and mental confusion left in the wake of the ordeal, nothing else was in jeopardy.

Please dont even get me started on the Nigerian Police Force.

This country is just not it!
We generate or own power supply
our water
security
pay for our health services........ I dont know precisely what works.

Yet, we dey here, singing "e go better"

I guess as long as there is life, there has to be hope, abi nor be so?

Meanwhile, this post on Nitty's blog is making my leg shake unto this my desire to have twins matter. In all of my thinking of having twins...I had never even given thought to the potty trainning part. I can imagine how hard it will be with just one baby....not to mention 2! Chukwu biko!!!
Since we are still on that matter, biko, how do you breast feed twins. Do you tell the first one "hey, dont suck too much, you need to remain some for your twin"? or do they get the memo from heaven?
Infact, thinking about caring for two babies at a time just gave me a headache.

Wait a minute, people actually birth triplets, and quadruplets and quintuplets!!!!!

Please, I am out of here!

Mothers of multiples, I  want to hear from you!!

Oh, sorry, I forgot to say "Yoboro" is the name we coined for the "skillful" perpetrator of burglary and theft.

And my heart swells for SisiYemmie for being the poster child for LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). God bless your home, darling!

My 3am Bread and Akara Meal

Perspective

It started as a dull ache/pain/throb on one side of my big toe. My elasticity for pain is quite high. Pain is welcome, to an extent. It means I’m human. I thought it’d go away by itself. It didn’t. A few days later, I probed it, something came out. I’m my mother’s daughter. We try to sort things out by ourselves before bothering others. I applied pressure till it bled out. It was beginning to seem like a wound. I rationalized that I probably hit it against something. I wasn’t unable to walk so, life went on. It went on until I realized that 3 weeks after, this wound hadn’t healed. There was a progressive blackening around the edges too.

Was I diabetic and didn’t even know it? I had heard stories of how people would have small wounds which would continue to expand and ended up having to amputate a part of their bodies..sometimes because of undiagnosed diabetes…and in other cases, they’d have known

Was I about to die?

Why hadn’t this small and simple wound healed in 3 weeks?

 I figured it was a good time to head to the clinic and I did. First prognosis had me taking a tetanus shot and directions to take antibiotics for a few days. 2 days later, nothing seemed to have changed so back to the clinic I went. 2^nd prognosis, by a different doctor, saw me ending up with a toe-nail-removal procedure. It was an ingrown nail and that was the best solution according to him. My first instinct was, “thank God, it’s not diabetes….take the damn nail out so that I don’t have to take a toe out!”. 

I won’t bore you with how I felt during the procedure or how I already made a mental list of possible surrogates for when I am ready for child bearing. This list was inspired by the pain I was feeling. When all was done, the moment of vanity stepped in:

Oh, that was my finer toe!

Will it grow back?

How long will it take?

Will it grow back normally?

Can I walk? Bla bla bla bla

Doctor assured me it’d grow back….he said in 3weeks. In retrospect now, this is funny.

I had it dressed and again, life went on. Or so I thought until I needed to dress up to go to the gym and realized that there was no way I could wear my sneakers. Until I turned an acrobat, trying to take a bath without getting the toe wet. One leg on the wall, balance on the other leg…scrub….twist to scoop water, pour carefully…..all day every day. Until I started balking at having to take night showers because of the logistics of not getting the toe wet. Until I realized how slim my options were in footwear choices. Until the thoughts of risking being stepped on alone was enough to induce migraine-like headaches. Mundane things that I had always taken for granted.

A few days after, punishment-glutton that I am, I went on Google to see what I could find. I ended up depressed. The regrowth of the nail is not a given. Its proper regrowth is definitely also not a given. Did my doctor mention 3 weeks?  LOL…. Most information online said 1 year for full regrowth. 

I felt depressed.  You know those dresses you wear knowing fully well that the look isn’t complete until you slip on a pair of nice close-toed pumps? Well, according to Google, I have to re-orient myself to completing them with open-toe flatees. I haven’t been to the gym and if Google is to go by, I may not be going for a while. Fear of infection nko? Realest.

Yesterday afternoon, I saw a lady. Probably just coming back from work. Nice shirt, nice skirt….lovely black pumps. I envied her! I envied her not because she has a job, but because she can choose to wear those shoes. 

And then, Jos happened!

I woke up to a throbbing toe in the night. I probably hit it against something in my sleep or not. Whatever it was, it was a reminder of my mortality. While I cradled my throbbing toe at 3am, I was grateful. I was grateful for the pain. I apologized a bit about my vanity because while I have a chance at the regrowth of my toe nail, over 100 lives lost their chances at life in that market at Jos. While I have a chance at re-growth of the nail, however imperfect as compared to what it used to be, 200 girls might be losing hope at getting anything close to what their lives were before being kidnapped. I'm sure many of them would have gladly taken my "nailess" toe over being blown to smithereens or hacked like wood to death or kidnapped

The 3am wake-up-to-a-throbbing-toe helped me put things in perspective, a little.

I cant walk into Sambisa to get the girls.

I cant face Boko Haram.

But I can use my discomfort/vanity/pain/fear as a point of contact…for those girls….for the families of the deceased….for Nigeria…..for us.......and say a prayer each chance I get.

And beseech you to do the same.

Because while a part of me, s’ope temi (I give thanks for me), and another part of me is still vainly worrying about the regrowth of the nail, there’s still a part of me that remembers that we all are oku to’n sunkun oku (the dead weeping for the dead).

Jos can easily be Lagos in the blink of an eye...or Ibadan...or Port Harcourt.


I have no more words, really.

*plays Asa's Fire on the Mountain till fade*

Stay-at-Home-Executive-Director

The Real Problems of joblesnessness Working from Home.

Whooppeeee!!! NYSC was over in February. Don’t even ask me about it. I wasn’t a model Youth Corp member and everything was just a blur. Bottom line is it’s over. Done and Dusted.

But

May or May Not be HD

Contrary to what I was told….I am not HOT CAKE. I am NOT POPULAR DEMAND. With my “good grades” and “good head”, I have NOT been SNATCHED UP by Deloitte or Addax or KPMG or BAT or Accenture or Phillips or GLO or the likes.

Worrapun?!!

Well well well, unlike some of the bloggers Atilola has been meeting, I’m just another girl from the rapidly-drowning-Nigerian-middle-class with no Uncle or “Unku” in high places. Someone hand me a handkerchief please *sniff sniff*. 

The different politics that play out in labour recruitment processes are best left unsaid. Anyway, that‘s not why I am here/blogging this post/posting this blog. Whatever!

While I am deciding on what next to do with my very bright life, I have been jobless working from home. Y’all know how an idle hand is the devil’s workshop and all. I have been taking on some small small projects like that. Let’s discuss some of the problems inherent in this set-up:

Explaining the difference to most family members:

“Ahnahn! HD! You did not make lunch? Nonsense!!! What have you now been doing at home since morning?! Ehnehn? Se you could not put the beans to boil while you were “working” ni? Mchewwwwwww”

OR

“Oh Gooodness! HD!!!! These clothes I spread on the drying line since 8am are still there by 2pm. Are they supposed to get dry like prawn crackers before you fetch them in? Hian!”

OR

“HD my dear, please I forgot the bag where I keep the registers, at home. Please bring them to me at work. I need them. Bring them fast o” …..as per…you don’t kukuma have work.

Biko nu, can’t we just pretend like I am not here?! Ghost mode please!

Everything calls your name – your government name!

From Telemundo (when PHCN lets) to your bed, to oh Lord! the refridgerator to….everything. Need I tell you how many times I have heard the fridge call me while I’m within earshots “HDchukwu/OluwaHD, come hither”….surprisingly, no matter how many times I open it, additional food items do not miraculously appear…so confusing. Oh well!!! *Shrug*

Explaining why you are dressing up/dressed up:

While this hasn’t yet happened to me (probably never will, since I am a placard-carrying nudist in my house), I can imagine that a jobless “work-at-home-girl” might have some difficulties explaining why she is dressing up to go to her workstation within the house. See, some of these things are psychological. One may want to replicate an office setting within the house for optimal concentration and productivity. One of the ways of replicating the office setting is by dressing up…….. Can you tell that I didn’t type this point with a straight face?

NEPA/PHCN/IBE-something

Different names, same problems.

Do I need to spell out that working from home requires some great dose of self-discipline?

Of course, there are perks to joblessness working from home too, but let’s leave that for another post

I discovered a blog…quite new. I love the way she writes.. like monologues. Thinking about her posts is even making me chuckle. Check her out: Keji of Mo'Rounkeji

Toin asked a question in her last post. While I fear for what I may read in the way of comments, I also wish to ask the same question: “What comes to your mind when you think of me? How do I come off on this blog? Tell me what you think about when you hear/see/read me.” Please, TOIN, SNM and COY are exempt from answering this question.

Sincerely, for me these days, the thought of being a paid housewife isnt as repugnant as it used to be.

*image gotten from google*

Disillusioned: The Flag at Three-Quarters Mast

Boko Haram
Scarcity of PMS
PHCN (Electricity-providing company)
FG
Unemployment

I am not sure of which of the above mentioned menace is the most of my problem at this time. All I know is that in my heart, at this moment, my love for Nigeria is at three-quarters mast.

I dont even think I have the energy to be Nigerian right now. This forced optimism, this

sufferhead.........

image from here

Good night abeg!

Tomorrow is another day..... Another day to wake up, shine teeth, pray for Nigeria and hope for the better. At least, now I have a tank full of fuel in my car...and then some for the generator....but how about those who cannot afford it? How about the ripple effect on prices of essential commodities?

God bless Nigeria

 Heyyyyyyyy!!!! You people did not vote for me to win the Chinchin from 9jaFoodie's giveaway?!!!! You people are not nice AT ALL!!! This realisation has made me even sadder! :( . No light, no fuel, no Chinchin?! No love on these streets, yo!


Coldstone is coming to/now in Ibadan....This makes me happy, somewhat

The August Visitor

*Raising my hands in worship mode* "Here comes the prodigal daughter". It is like I keep topping myself in falling my own hand.

 I have absolutely nothing to say in my defense, just manage me, biko.

This is the penultimate of my 11 tags post. (You don't care,I know right). Just manage me, mbok.

  

From Adede

What is the one thing that frightens you the most?

 Inadequacies that may occur from failure.

What song would you describe as your ‘theme song’ ie a song that best describes you or how you feel about yourself or certain issues?      

I’ll have to think about the theme song part. But how I feel about myself? Pretty good I’ld say….LOL

Kim Kardashian,  the entire Jersey shore cast ( if they were formed into one body with a medusa head of all the cast members)  and Nene Leakes; if you had one bullet, who would you shoot?

 Myself, to get out of that misery and this sinful world and meet my savior!

What was the last most outrageous purchase you made?

Trust me, that is a rarity. I am not even sure it has happened to me yet.

Is it best to have loved and lost or is it best to not love at all giving the possibility of heart break? Give reasons. (P:S: No BS sappy and generic answers too)

 Love and lose love. After all, we live, yet we know we will die. Does that knowledge stop us from living? Likewise loving. Matter of fact, loving is even better at least you stand a higher chance of not losing the love than you do of not losing your life.

Tattoos or piercings. Which do you prefer and why?

Piercings. First, my threshold for unnecessary pain is very low (necessary pain is labor pain, injection pain etc etc, you get the picture, yeah?) so, I want a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kindda deal. Just prick the nipple and be done with it as opposed to pricking the breast severally to draw a rose a la tattoo. Secondly, once I have come down from the high of the skunk I must have been on, getting rid of a piercing is easier and less expensive than getting rid of a tattoo.

Who do you love the most, your brother or your boyfriend? (If married, replace with husband) Give reasons.

My brother, because I just do noo ni. (Alakoba osi!!! Se you dont know that Le Frere is a constant visitor here while L'Amoreux isn't? *big sideeye*)

Is revenge ever justified? Give reasons.

Seriously?!!! Hell yeah, in some cases and to some extent. You sincerely expect me to paint a scenario?! Moderation is key though.

Is religion an important consideration in a relationship? Give reasons.

You don't think it is?

If you were president for a day, what is the first thing you would do?

Extend my tenure :D

What is your first memory of being aware of/attracted to someone of the opposite sex?

The most vivid is of when I was 8. *tight-lipped*

From DammyJewel

What’s the last book you read?

50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. Don’t even get me started on that book. I did Sidney Sheldon’s “Best Laid Plans” before then though….very awesome.

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?

As of now, Kukere.  I think I would be able to Etighi the rest of my life. I mean if I will be confined to one song for the rest of my life, it’d better be upbeat.

What countries have you visited (other than your country of birth)?

Plix do layovers qualify as visiting too? I said hi to several of the officials, indigenes and visited a far as security would let me go o. They don’t? You people are too uptight joo! The USA, Canada and China.

If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

I don't have any great desire for any job. I just want money in the bank abeg.

Why do you blog?

Because I love to share my silliness, seriousness and what-not with you people, sometimes.

How old are you?

LMAO…buhahahahaha. You have done well.  *laughter till fade*

What is your favorite body part on the opposite sex (or same sex if that's what floats your boat)?

The eyes

When's the last time you had relations?

And I am supposed to reveal this because?

What’s the craziest/silliest thing you've ever done?

I naturally have dark lips. I got a bright notion to use a very subtle pink/red lipstick to school one morning as a high school student. Wasn’t it a silly idea to have done that while riding to school with my mum, Ma Petrillo? One step out of the house gate, my mother asked me what was up with my lips. I told her nothing. She made to dab at it with her handkerchief and the color came off. The slap I received guided/guides me through my moments of insanity.

What is your least favorite food?

Chilli soup. Actually, I lie. It isn’t my least favorite food. I just hate that soup, simple!

Do you have any pets?

Nope, except my younger brother counts

What’s one thing you've been dying to tell me?

Uhm? Nothing. :S

In other news, guess who is in Nigeria, soaking all the 50 shades of the Nigerian sun? :D